Well here I am up in the frigid north again, visiting the folks for Christmas break. So much has changed at home I hardly recognize the place. New doors, new bathroom, flimsy shelves erected just above my bed holding our family's entire book collection... I had visions of being woken from sleep by the entire collected editions of Stephen King tumbling down on my head. Fortunately those fears proved groundless, I was instead awoken by sundry miscellaneous noises throughout the house, all the things you forget about when you live (almost) alone.
Speaking of my better half, I wonder what he's up to this week, besides working and sobbing in loneliness. Without any factual gossip to repeat here I'm afraid I'm forced to resort to vicious lies... I'll work on some of those for next time. Right now I'm going to enjoy my first full day of vacation in the Soo by going out and shopping for really, really mediocre Christmas presents for my family. Perhaps some sort of fat pig....
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Dream Theatre pt. 2
Well with Cam tucking his tail between his legs and running away to Owen Sound I'm left with little to do and less to write about. I guess I could continue to post horrible things about him in his absence but my heart just isn't in it.
In lieu of, here's another installment of dream theatre: I had a crazy dream last night. Okay, so let me start by saying that about half of my dreams take place in the same imagined cityscape with numerous fictional but consistent landmarks. My favourite is probably the downtown section where there are at least two corner stores per block and I have lived in virtually every apartment building along the main street at one point or another. I have decided to name this place Dreamopolis. Well last night I got off the bus in the west end of Dreamopolis around the industrial district near the bridge. I had intended to transfer to another bus going somewhere else but I found my steps taking me to a building surrounded by a junkyard with a high fence. Even though it looks nothing like it in real life, in the dream I knew this was Proto, a place I used to work. It was around six or seven in the morning so no one was around yet; against my will my feet carried me inside. I immediately began to feel dizzy and sick, almost drunk but not as cool. I stumbled around trying to find the door and exited to find myself suddenly back in my own house, but things didn't look right. Everything was fuzzy at the edges and my eyes felt all grainy. I was still very dizzy and I think I might even have vomited a little in the dream. I got the idea in my head that I had fallen asleep inside my dream, I opened my eyes and found myself back in Proto still trying to exit. This repeated at least once more before I finally got away from there.
Immediately after this I switched to a dream where I was some character in a tv show visiting a doctor about his problem of dream elements appearing while he is awake. While he/I (the line becomes blurred sometimes when I'm dreaming) is explaining it there's a selective shift and the doctor becomes a character from some other dream. It's all very confusing to write down, but you know how things just naturally make sense at the time in dreams.
There's not really a point to this story, except that it was pretty weird. And it seems strange that my brain takes ideas from one dream is like "hey, that would make a pretty cool idea for a tv show, let's try that next." Well guess what brain, it was a pretty lame idea, do some more research next time.
In lieu of, here's another installment of dream theatre: I had a crazy dream last night. Okay, so let me start by saying that about half of my dreams take place in the same imagined cityscape with numerous fictional but consistent landmarks. My favourite is probably the downtown section where there are at least two corner stores per block and I have lived in virtually every apartment building along the main street at one point or another. I have decided to name this place Dreamopolis. Well last night I got off the bus in the west end of Dreamopolis around the industrial district near the bridge. I had intended to transfer to another bus going somewhere else but I found my steps taking me to a building surrounded by a junkyard with a high fence. Even though it looks nothing like it in real life, in the dream I knew this was Proto, a place I used to work. It was around six or seven in the morning so no one was around yet; against my will my feet carried me inside. I immediately began to feel dizzy and sick, almost drunk but not as cool. I stumbled around trying to find the door and exited to find myself suddenly back in my own house, but things didn't look right. Everything was fuzzy at the edges and my eyes felt all grainy. I was still very dizzy and I think I might even have vomited a little in the dream. I got the idea in my head that I had fallen asleep inside my dream, I opened my eyes and found myself back in Proto still trying to exit. This repeated at least once more before I finally got away from there.
Immediately after this I switched to a dream where I was some character in a tv show visiting a doctor about his problem of dream elements appearing while he is awake. While he/I (the line becomes blurred sometimes when I'm dreaming) is explaining it there's a selective shift and the doctor becomes a character from some other dream. It's all very confusing to write down, but you know how things just naturally make sense at the time in dreams.
There's not really a point to this story, except that it was pretty weird. And it seems strange that my brain takes ideas from one dream is like "hey, that would make a pretty cool idea for a tv show, let's try that next." Well guess what brain, it was a pretty lame idea, do some more research next time.
Friday, December 7, 2007
That's Right, I F***ed His Wife
Metaphorically speaking of course. I guess in the metaphor Cam's wife is Stephen Colbert's book "I Am America (And So Can You)" and book reviewing is having sex with. But what can I say? He wasn't satisfying her and she needed a real man/book reviewer.
Hilarious sex metaphor's aside though, everything else about Cam's re-review is atrocious. Just listen to this, "I agree with most of what Dan says in his review." What the hell does that mean? Most? I agree with everything I said, why doesn't he? And then he never divulges what these secret disagreements are! What else is he disagreeing with that he's not telling us about, huh? Very shady rhetoric.
Then he goes on to talk about some other books, one of which I read but never reviewed, and the other I've never even seen. Is he trying to prove something? Fine Cam, you've read more books than me, whoop-de-fuckin-doo. You still can't review worth shit/satisfy a woman.
By the way that "sweet sweet ribbon bookmark" he talks about? Fake.
Hilarious sex metaphor's aside though, everything else about Cam's re-review is atrocious. Just listen to this, "I agree with most of what Dan says in his review." What the hell does that mean? Most? I agree with everything I said, why doesn't he? And then he never divulges what these secret disagreements are! What else is he disagreeing with that he's not telling us about, huh? Very shady rhetoric.
Then he goes on to talk about some other books, one of which I read but never reviewed, and the other I've never even seen. Is he trying to prove something? Fine Cam, you've read more books than me, whoop-de-fuckin-doo. You still can't review worth shit/satisfy a woman.
By the way that "sweet sweet ribbon bookmark" he talks about? Fake.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Fig. 2 - Stephen Colbert
I've been asked by a certain someone (not Bill Cosby) to review Stephen Colbert's book "I Am America (And So Can You)". Since I'm used to doing most of Cam's work for him to begin with I agreed, in spite of the fact that I haven't done a book review since I was seven, and mostly so I could make fun of Cam in the process.
Onward.
Part of the reason Cam asked me to write this is because he has yet to finish it even though he bought it weeks (months?) ago when it first came out, and Cam is not by nature a slow-as-hell reader, so I guess that should tell you something right off the "bat." On a side note, stealing jokes is both easy and fun! But back to the review. If you've ever watched more than 20 minutes of the Colbert Report you know pretty much what to expect from this book, but without actually seeing Stephen rant and rave about immigrants and homosexuals it's really not the same. Sure there are some bits that only work in a print medium, but these are basically just the same gag as "The Word" (although oddly, the sidebar messages and other such additives almost always seem to come from Stephen himself rather than an undermining text presence as on the show.) The worst parts, though, just as on the Colbert Report, are the sections where other people talk. You'd think after pages and pages of Colbertian monologue you'd welcome an interruption even if it was by some made up "Common man" or another but no, they almost always fall flat. The book does have some good points though, don't get me wrong. When it's funny it's very funny, and when it's not funny it's painless enough. I mean, you don't really expect to be laughing constantly the entire time, it's hundreds of pages long. Now that I think about I'll bet the main problem I had with it was that I tried to read most of it continuously. Five or six chapters at a time. This is the equivalent of sitting down and watching four or five episodes of the Colbert Report in a row. I've never tried this but I imagine the effect would be similar. You become too used to his style and it stops being funny.
I didn't actually buy the book, Cam did, so I don't know how much it cost but I would be willing to pay somewhere in the neighbourhood of twenty dollars just for the sake of the "Abstinence Bases" and that's only half a page. Anyway, in conclusion blah blah blah etc. etc. Read the post again for a summary of what I said.
Onward.
Part of the reason Cam asked me to write this is because he has yet to finish it even though he bought it weeks (months?) ago when it first came out, and Cam is not by nature a slow-as-hell reader, so I guess that should tell you something right off the "bat." On a side note, stealing jokes is both easy and fun! But back to the review. If you've ever watched more than 20 minutes of the Colbert Report you know pretty much what to expect from this book, but without actually seeing Stephen rant and rave about immigrants and homosexuals it's really not the same. Sure there are some bits that only work in a print medium, but these are basically just the same gag as "The Word" (although oddly, the sidebar messages and other such additives almost always seem to come from Stephen himself rather than an undermining text presence as on the show.) The worst parts, though, just as on the Colbert Report, are the sections where other people talk. You'd think after pages and pages of Colbertian monologue you'd welcome an interruption even if it was by some made up "Common man" or another but no, they almost always fall flat. The book does have some good points though, don't get me wrong. When it's funny it's very funny, and when it's not funny it's painless enough. I mean, you don't really expect to be laughing constantly the entire time, it's hundreds of pages long. Now that I think about I'll bet the main problem I had with it was that I tried to read most of it continuously. Five or six chapters at a time. This is the equivalent of sitting down and watching four or five episodes of the Colbert Report in a row. I've never tried this but I imagine the effect would be similar. You become too used to his style and it stops being funny.
I didn't actually buy the book, Cam did, so I don't know how much it cost but I would be willing to pay somewhere in the neighbourhood of twenty dollars just for the sake of the "Abstinence Bases" and that's only half a page. Anyway, in conclusion blah blah blah etc. etc. Read the post again for a summary of what I said.
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